Signs That He's Just Not Looking For a Relationship
I am 31 years old and single, which means that every relationship I’ve been in, or tried to be in, has not worked out. Some might get really bummed about these numbers but I look at it differently. My hundreds of failed relationships have helped me realize the biggest signs that a guy is not looking for a relationship. And lucky for you, I am sharing those with you.
No Follow Up
This one is painfully obvious but needs to be said. If he has your contact information but doesn’t contact you shortly after your date, then he’s most likely to have a relationship with you – no matter how fabulous of a date it was. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever hear from him again but it won’t lead to anything serious.
Asking to Hang Out Last Minute
Personally, I don’t enjoy going out for a meal with a guy until at least the third or fourth date. I prefer drinks until then. But no matter your preference on the date’s setting, it should have been scheduled at least a day or two ahead of time.
Not every hangout has to be extravagant or initiated by him but there is something to be said about premeditated plans. If you are consistently hanging out at the last minute, he likely enjoys your company but he’s not taking you, or the potential for a relationship with you, seriously.
Comes in Strong
I am always weary of the guy who comes in strong but every once in a while, I let my guard down and entertain this guy. Gradually, I warm up to his compliments, start to love that he treats me like his girlfriend after only a handful of dates. Not long after I’ve started to imagine our fictional trip to Costa Rica, he’s ghosted me.
It would be easy to blame this sudden shift on myself. Why else would he go from hot to cold so quickly? It had to have been something I did. Nope. This is a man who thrives on false intimacy.
This can be counterintuitive but a lot of men love the idea of a relationship. It can be hard to wrap our heads around this one because we’re typically told that men aren’t very emotional (thanks, patriarchy) but of course that’s not true.
Men seek connection and affection just like anyone else. But some men really like false intimacy don’t actually want a relationship. Once they start to feel that your “casual thing” is about to hop onto the express lane towards a serious relationship, where you’re responsible for one another, they dip out.
This guy dips out not because of you or anything you did but because the false intimacy wore off.
Pulling Away When You Open Up
There is not one woman reading this who has not been given the advice to “play hard to get” in order to get a man’s attention, or some version of the adage. Throughout the years, I’ve tried to do this hundreds of times with guys I was attracted to.
I’d inevitably fail at being cool and dismissive, tell him how much I liked him, and a week or so later, the relationship would be over. Devastated, this would scar me; make me believe that showing how I feel about a guy is a death sentence to an impending relationship. For years, I thought that if I wasn’t playing hard to get, I was being needy, crazy, or desperate.
That’s not the case. And here’s how I know that: Every happy couple you know in your life, at some point both of them have shown attraction, affection, and vulnerability to one another. This very basic human act is not a death sentence. It is, in fact, the one thing that every loving partnership needs.
If he backs away when you start to open up, it has nothing to do with your behavior, it means he wasn’t ever looking for a relationship from you.
Being a Hot Mess
Once, I hooked up with an artist. He was tall, skinny, and wore grungey, silly t-shirts. His art was dark and moody, which was sexy compared to his humor and playful personality. So when he’d say things like, “I’m a degenerate... I’m a mess”, I thought it meant “I might drink a little too much but I am a fun time”.
After we hooked up, he didn’t call me. I was surprised because I swore we had a great time. I kept asking myself “Why wouldn’t he want to recreate that?”
Eventually I got over him and we keep running into each other at the bar, forming a type of friendship. Through our platonic conversations, I learned what he was telling me the whole time - he was emotionally unavailable.
When he was telling me what a mess he is, he was really saying, “I’m not emotionally available”. What I thought was a lighthearted self-deprecating joke, was him telling me that he is not ready to date.
This isn’t true for everyone who makes self-deprecating jokes but if a part of his flirting routine is telling you what a degenerate or what a mess he is, he is telling you that he’s not looking for anything serious.
Texts You Without Ever Hanging Out
Ah, the guy who will text you all of the time but never makes plans to hang out with you. More than likely, a guy came instantly to your head. We have all spent hours deciphering his text messages, for ourselves or for a friend. He keeps in touch but never asks to hang out.
Why? Unfortunately, it’s not because he’s really busy or that he likes you but is too scared to jump into something. He’s keeping you on the line because he likes having someone to text and maybe, when he’s feeling lonely, he’ll hit you up late night.
The explanation is much more simplistic than any of us would like to accept. This behavior makes us second guess everything and create elaborate theories so we can justify why we don’t walk away. It’s a hard pill to swallow. But if he’s not making plans with you, no matter your history, how well you get along, or how often you talk, he doesn’t want a relationship. Or anything more than texting.
