I Asked A Guy Who Ghosted Me Why and Here's What Happened
In the fall of 2018, I met a wonderful guy whom I dated for a few wonderful months before he ghosted me. I wrote about it for Medium, which made several hundreds of dollars and a Top-Rated Writer for the Love category.
Because of the financial gains and small but important notoriety, I’ve been eternally grateful for him and this experience ever since. I’ve also been heartbroken, more than anything I’ve been confused.
I never understood where it went wrong. Unlike with most guys, there were never any signs that he would suddenly ghost me. For the six months after things ended, I thought about him constantly (I know, very embarrassing). Specifically, trying to understand what happened. I refrained from reaching out to him because I wanted to maintain my look as a breezy chick who couldn’t be bothered with a little ghost.
After I moved to Denver, I got down to thinking about him once a month or so. Mostly late nights when I was drunk off boxed wine and sad about other stuff in my life. I would think about texting him to ask why but thankfully I was sober enough to take note of the time difference and how bad it would look if I texted at that moment.
A few days ago, a full year and a half after our last encounter, I was feeling some kind of stupid brave, I sent him a text message. After very light chit chat, I jumped into it:
So I need to ask you something that’s a little weird and uncomfortable. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for the last year and a half and I’ve always wanted to ask you but never had the courage to. But now I just genuinely want to know.
So that last night we hung out, I thought we were in a good place and we’re going to hang out again but I’m wondering why you never wanted to.
If it’s uncomfortable, I’m sorry. I’m just so curious because I really liked you (I thought you did too) and I was so confused and have been since. But any honesty you can share, I’d greatly appreciate it.
His response left a lot to be desired but it wasn’t that bad either.
First, he told me how glad I was that I reached out because of how long it had been to “hold on to that”, which I’m sure was intended to demonstrate empathy, felt condescending.
Then he explained that he didn’t really remember why but he thought I was different, in a good way, than most women he had gone out with before. He thought that might have scared him, and he wasn’t ready to be vulnerable and explore it more.
All of which lines up to what I thought, based on a few conversations we had. He liked me a lot but couldn’t see a relationship with me. And if I’m being totally honest, I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with him. I hid parts of my life that didn’t make me look amazing. I never told him how I felt about him, before or after. I wanted a full relationship with him while only putting in half of the effort.
We talked about us for a bit longer, he apologized profusely, and then we transitioned to a friendly conversation about work. In the middle of our conversation, he started following me on Instagram, which I found strange.
By the end of our conversation, I felt better. It was nice to hear my suspicions confirmed. It was awkward and I probably came off as thirsty but it was worth it just to put my mind at ease.
The whole experiment taught me that it’s not about making sense of anything. There is no sense to relationships, especially breakups. Dating is confusing, hard, vulnerable, and scary. None of it makes sense. If it did, we’d all know the formula to find our mate. It makes me think Fleabag’s Hot Priest’s homily.
In hindsight, I don’t think I was looking for sense from him. it would naïve to rely on him to make sense of it for me. And it would assume complete honesty from him, which can’t be guaranteed. But since our conversation, I’ve felt one major difference, I feel like a more mature dater.
I now know that it’s worth it to ask someone if and why they are ghosting me. Although, I will say it’s better to do this sooner rather than later (I don’t recommend waiting 18 months). If for nothing else than to conclude the relationship.
I’ve learned that it is 100% okay to vocalize what I want from a guy or a relationship. In fact, I have to. While I am no longer at the point in my life where I fall for just any guy, I need more than preferences or standards. I can’t date aimlessly for the sake of looking cool.
Mature dating requires that I drive my own bus and driving my own bus requires vulnerability. Otherwise, I’m just floating around asking men to take the reins. I need to ask for what I want. I need to be honest about the less glamorous parts of my life. I need to share how I feel about him.
Being a mature dater doesn’t guarantee that I will get the results I am hoping for. But I can’t get what I am looking for without asking.
